|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Q:
How will you be spending Christmas?
The hardest times for us here are Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day, and Fathers
Day. These holidays are special to most and everyone has some kind of good memories
about one or all of them. These are family type holidays and it hurts so much
to be alone here and can't share those feelings with someone. Especially when
those who are around you have the exact same feelings. Some guys choose to sleep
longer and watch TV programs. Others do sports. Still others try to bring the
holiday cheer to everyone by cooking food and sharing it. I personally don't
think of the holidays. I treat them as any other day. When I was working, I
treated the holidays as I treat the weekends: days off work. My birthday, for
instance, is December 31. I forget that every single day until I receive a birthday
card from someone. It is amazing how prison changes one's perspective. The prison
has what it calls "Holiday Meal". I never attend any of them. Simply because
during those meals, staff stand by and watch us eat and try to be cheerful.
For some reason that bothers me. I feel as if I am in a zoo and someone is watching
animals eat. It is my problem and I learnt to deal with it by avoiding chow
hall during holidays. I love Christmas movies and I try to watch them all. I
usually buy candy and pass it around. That is my contribution to the season
even though I don't believe in it. Thank you for asking and Merry Christmas.
Q: Do you believe in God?
YES! I want to give a longer answer but I don't know whether you want me
to elaborate or not. Thus, I will be awaiting your next comment(s). Thanx!
Q: Many units have removed their NO Talking signs but a FEW are still keeping
them; are they down at your unit?
Long ago, there were No Talking signs in all common areas. While in food service
hall, prisoners used to knock twice on the table to greet one another when coming
or leaving. During my time (since the 80s), that rule is no longer valid. However,
prisoners still knock on the table. Most of them don't know the history of that
act. However, I heard that some "holdover" detention centers still apply that
rule. Now, it is so hard to find a quiet place. So much noise 24/7. Even at
night, you still can hear screams, sobs, and even singing. It is as if the walls
have voices. It is scary for a newcomer...
Q: Are the guys in prison as hot as the ones on Prison Break and Oz?
If you are a guy, the guys are "hotter" than the ones on Prison Break (smile).
No, that is Hollywood. We are a bunch of guys struggling to make it. This place
is full of sad faces. Looks are artificial standards. The inside of the person
is the standard that I personally use. However, in the eyes of our Mothers,
Fathers, Sisters, Daughters, Sons, and Wives we are the hottest men around.
Unfortunate, and understandably, in the eyes of our victims we don't deserve
the air we breathe. Pick your choice!
Q: Do you really think that inmates get a religion to change in the face
of God or do they do it to get out of their cells more and get a different diet?
This place is a microcosm of the world. Why do people, in general, get religion?
The reasons vary. However, people in prison, including myself, need structure
and discipline. Religion offers both. Yes, the prison rules do exist; but those
rules lack compassion. There are prisoners who are sincere about their choice.
When we first get here, we are lost. We don't know anybody. In the outside world
we were somebody's brother, husband, father,..etc and in prison we are "inmates".
When staff talk on their radios concerning one of the prisoners, they always
refure to us as, "That item is en route". Humanity is stripped away through
vocabulary which lead to further stripping through prison rules. Other prisoners
find God in here simply to be part of a group. A family that they can't find
anywhere else. Religion becomes a refuge. Still others need the "family" for
protection. In this world, you are either a hunter or a prey. Few struggle to
keep their humanity. Once those gates are locked behind you and you hear that
big bangs of steel on steel, you are never going to be ready for what awaits
you, except if you had been here before. As for getting out of our cells, it
does not make difference whether you are religious or not. Everyone gets out
of the cell at the same time. The schedule is as follows:
Monday - Friday: 6:00 am - 3:45 pm (open compound: Go to work or just sit around
or go run or some other activity)
4:00 pm - 5:00 pm (count time)
5:00 pm - 9:45 pm (regular activity)
10:00 pm-6:00 am (lockdown)
Weekends & Holidays: Same as above except: 10:00 am - 11:00 am (count time)
Please note that during count, all prisoners are locked in their respective
cells until count is cleared (i.e. no one decided to visit grandma)
As you can see, to attend religious activities the prisoner has to leave of
others. However, there are prisoners who join religious groups during special
religious holidays. Those prisoners sell their souls for a meal or other material
"benefits" that are specially designed for that particular group. Some groups
let their feelings known to those "faithful" guys and that can become ugly.
I personally believe that there is a chance for everyone to find God. Even those
who come for a meal. From past experience, I met some who came to religion for
some crazy reason and did indeed become good active people. As for finding God,
God is never lost. He is with us and everywhere through His knowledge. And those
who "find" Him are only known to Him alone. No one can tell what in other's
hearts. All we can go by is what we see!
Q: What is your daily routine?
My daily routine has changed since this past October. I usually sleep on
and off all night. I wake up around 4:45 am. Read, pray, and listen to the radio.
The cell doors open at 6 am (Monday-Friday). I take a shower and around 6:30
am I watch TV (CNN). I usually skip breakfast. I go to the Education Department
for personal studies and answer my e-mails till 9:00 am. Lunch at 11 am. Around
1 pm I go back to Education Department or to the chapel for a study circle or
simply talk. Sometimes I go watch sporting events. I used to have a job but
now I am medically unassigned. after 4 pm count, I watch a movie or, once again,
go back to my previous schedule (Education/Chapel). At 9:45 pm, lockdown. As
for the weekends: I "slowdown" a little. I used to play soccer and run, fortunately,
I now have an excuse to be lazy (smile)
Q: What persons were the most important in your life?
My coach. He was my soccer and running coach in Germany during my high school
years. He taught me so much and because of him, I can confront all challenges
and anything else. I mean anything. Being here is one of them challenges. It
will end, one day. Like everything else and I will look back at this time and
either be proud of how I handled it or ashamed that I let myself down. I am
sure that I will be proud. Watch!
Q: Have you watched the new Michael Moore DVD, Sicko? One of the special features
on that DVD talks about Norway, spending a lot of time on their prison system.
I don't know what you know or don't so I'll just run through it briefly: the
DVD special takes you through Bartstoy Prison on an island, where they essentially
send their murders, rapists, etc. But the prison is minimum security, prisoners
live in little cabins (six to a house I think), they have jobs in the nearby
town on the mainland... essentially, they are treated very well. The longest
prison sentence they have is 21 years; the Norweigians' thought on this is that
one day they will get out and then they will be your neighbor, so it is best
to treat them like people, with respect. My own opinon is that it is great and
I wish it could work here... I write to a friend on Death Row in Texas and wish
that he could benefit from such an experience instead of fighting for his life.
My question, after all that, haha, is what do you think about this approach
to serving time, given your own experience in prison?
I have not seen "Sicko". However, I heard a CNN interview with Michael Moore
and read a few blurbs about the film. Scandinavian countries are known for their
progressive approach to social affairs. Sadly, in this beautiful land, people
have given up on finding solutions to the society's ills. Therefore, many have
regressed to methods that do not befit such a nation. It was once said that
Justice is blind. Unfortunately, its tools are based on revenge. That is the
reason why we find laws that are named after victims. The justice system is
revenge oriented. Politicians cater to the people and must show that they are
harsh on crime even if their methods would bring harm to the future of the country.
I am here and have seen people coming to this place with such fear and hope
and who want to be better individuals. Unfortunately, the zoo is not made for
self improvement. Incarceration and being away from one's family are enough
punishment. Sadly, stripping the person of his dignity is added to that in many
ways. Yes, it would be great to help "introduce" us to society. That is only
a dream at the moment. This business is a great business. All the soldiers who
served and are serving currently need jobs and this field is a place ready to
for their arrival. It costs more to incarcerate me than to help a high school
kid get his college degree. 2 million prisoners in the US! That 's incredible.
Each prisoner has a family or at least one person who loves him/her. Time not
only affects the prisoner but it affects the loved ones. In my opinion, there
should be a program where the prisoner starts his/her time in the least restrictive
prisons and, depending on behavior, works himself to more restrictive places.
That way, the system wouldn't be overburdened by those who may not need much
rehabilitation. Currently, some come here with few problems and in a year or
so become almost unrecognizable. I have changed in many ways and I try, every
day, to hold fast to what mom and dad taught me. It is so hard. Imagine a place
where everything is negative and based on negativity. When you talk to someone,
you have to be careful not to say things that would make you look weak and scared.
It is a world of pretence and bluffing and aggressive nature. Kill or be killed
method can get you kill, but you have to have that concept close by. When to
use it. How to use it. Where to use it. With whom to use it..... It is a hard
life and no one seems to recognize it. Yes, the country is paying a heavy price
for these policies but the future will prove that the cost is much more. I can
sit here and tell you some sad stories all day long and it will take me weeks
to find one good thing to say about the zoo and my fellow animals. Thank you.
Q: Where did you go wrong?
A: Where did I go wrong??? Rather, where did I go right... Great question! I
thought that I knew it all. I did not need anyone to tell me what to do. I knew
right from wrong and wanted everyone to know it. I did not understand that there
are things that I should let go even if they are completely wrong. I wanted
to change people and mold them to meet my definition of right. Additionally,
I hated to disappoint others, especially those who love me. Therefore, I did
whatever it takes to meet their expectation. Unfortunately, that goal can make
one compromise himself and his "principles". When the person does wrong, it
does not start that way. It is a gradual elevation. As a driver who runs a red
light and kill a pedestrian. That particular drive, more likely, that was not
his first driving violation. He usually started by driving fast and breaking
the speed limits and did not do a complete stop at the stop sign. Eventually,
these "small" violation helped him not to pay attention to the driving code.
For he starts believing that the driving code is for those who don't know how
to drive as well as he does. Suddenly ... that faithful day catches up with
him. If he is asked "where did he go wrong?" he would blame it on others. Others
can be people, family upbringing, environment, etc. In my case, I only blame
it on myself. I always knew right from wrong but I wanted to do everything by
myself and did not allow others to help me when I needed help. I wanted to impress
them. Unfortunately, I hurt them instead. Thank you for your question and feel
free to ask more.